Ever since about Mid-March, when I decided to finally start living life again despite my anxiety about doing things. This has always been an issue with me, I can't blame that feeling entirely on the pandemic. The pandemic probably just exacerbated it. To start, I am just an introvert to begin with. My ideal evening is relaxing and watching TV or a movie. I do enjoy going out once in a while, but I'm just more comfortable in our home. I guess you would say I'm a homebody. Maybe I got that from my childhood because we rarely went anywhere, I just learned to be content being at home. It's not a bad thing per se, but it is isolating. When we went to Saint George over spring break, I reconnected with my old roommates/friends Angie and Kendra, and our family just had a wonderful time with them. It was just so nice to be able to talk to other people outside our family of four. And then we spent some quality time with my Grandma Tenney, and my Aunt Gina and Uncle Ron, and my Uncle Brian. We talked about our lives, and I loved hearing stories from my parent's childhood. Gina is a hairdresser, so I have been getting my hair done by her since we moved here in 1993. And my kids have been going to her since they had enough hair to cut. I joked with them how weird it will be to see Gina outside of the salon! Rowan agreed and joked that it felt like Gina lived at the salon, LOL.
Talking to other people made me realize just how alone I've felt over the years. While I was having trouble sleeping, I sent an email to the director of the rescue I volunteer with, Pet Samaritan Fund. While I was having my dark time, I really dropped the ball on her, and left her hanging. I knew I was entering a deep depression because it happened to me once before in 2006, after my husband was in the hospital for a week. I had been on medication that was supposed to help me with my anxiety, and after many months, I don't recall how long, I decided I didn't really like how the medicine made me feel. The Dr that prescribed them, said I could just stop taking them. I had always heard it's best to taper off, so I did my best doing that but it didn't work well, because I ended up in a pretty deep depression for a few months. Mike started seeing a counselor and we also went together. During that time, Mike told me he wanted kids. This surprised me because for the longest time he said he didn't want kids. Well, I was in my early 30's by then, and approaching the age where the sooner you have kids the better. So that is how we ended up having 2 kids! I tell this part of the story because it explains how I knew that I was entering a bad place.
When I returned from the hospital on January 13th, I still felt very depressed. I was still very sleep deprived and didn't want to do much of anything. I was very ashamed and embarrassed about what had happened, and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, EVER!! Mike was in a position to seek help from anyone that could offer it, so he was talking to family and friends, and I just wanted to crawl into a hole because I just felt so bad about it. He assured me that he didn't tell them all the bad details, and mostly he just wanted to find me help. I went to my therapist and my Doctor. I will go into more details about these things in a later post, but right now I'm going to forward again to our trip last week. While I was having insomnia during the trip, I felt the need to apologize to Dana for disappearing on her. I explained everything to her, including how I ended up in the hospital. She responded with kindness and understanding. She thanked me for telling her, and in the end I was glad and grateful I did that.
One of the activities we did in Saint George was go on an amazing hike near my Aunt Gina and Uncle Ron's home. The hike is called Elephant Arch. We decided to hit the trail earlier than we planned to avoid the upcoming storm. The morning was perfect for hiking and Gina and I got to talking, and being able to talk to her for so long and have her relate to things just was so healing. I talked so long and so fast, I hoped she could understand what I was saying. Well, after that I realized how good it feels to reach out to people, talk about your life, the good, the bad and the ugly. When you make a connection like that, and the other person feels safe talking to you, they are more likely to let the wall around them fall down. They just might share their feelings and hardships. Part of this healing journey has made me reach out to other old friends and family members who we haven't talked to in ages! I also had a few people who I wanted to make amends with. One was a 2nd cousin that I actually don't know, but I made a faux pa online, it's a long story, but I have felt bad about it over the years. I decided to reach out to her, and explain what I did and why, and hoped she could forgive me. She responded very kindly and said she would love to get to know me. I've reached out to a former close friend who I had distanced myself from because of something I was hurt over. I sent her an email, and she also responded with positivity and love. And then the last one was a family member who I wanted to send an 'Olive Branch' to, and she also responded with kindness and understanding. I look forward to mending those relationships going forward. I encourage anyone out there that has conflict with someone they care about, to reach out, you just might be able to mend those fences together.
I ended up reaching out to my dear friend Debby yesterday! We met doing Trap Neuter Release back in 2005/2006. We bonded over our love of animals, and we've been friends since. Here is a post from Facebook about it posted April 12, 2023
This is my very good friend Debby! I haven’t seen her in years. Way too long! I’ve been meaning to reach out to her for a long time now, but you know how busy life can get. Yesterday Rowan asked to buy some pants at H&M, but they ended up not having her size. They found a pair in Orem, so they put them on hold. This was the perfect opportunity to ask if Debby could go to brunch with me. As we were entering the restaurant, I told her this was my 2nd time eating in a restaurant
since the pandemic began!
The cute little furry guy is her adorable dog Dante! He and Peanut are going to have a doggie date soon! Can’t wait!!
No comments:
Post a Comment