Deciding to Be Vulnerable With Friends and Family

Preface to this 3 part post:  Part of my mental breakdown back in December/Early January was major insomnia.  When I say I wasn't sleeping well, it's not an exaggeration.  I have generally always been a good sleeper, except when I drank alcohol the night before.  That habit tended to cause me to wake up during what I call the witching hours between 1 AM and 3 AM.  That is part of the reason when I got Covid, then shortly after my brain was in a major fog, and I wasn't sure why?  Well, I will leave that there because I wrote a very detailed, very personal journal entry about that during the witching hour last night that I woke up around 1 or 2 AM.  Because it was so personal, and involved my family members, even though I was sleep deprived, I had the wherewithal to NOT post my verbal vomit on Facebook that night. I did however, decide to post it anonymously on a Reddit forum, which is generally good about hashing over trauma from our combined mutual past. So last night, Sunday April 9th, I had slept very poorly the night before, so I was super duper tired.  I've been taking a break from Alcohol since my illness with Covid on/around December 2nd, 2022. So that is NOT what is causing my insomnia now.  

When I returned from my hospital stay on 1/13/23, I was NOT better, and I do plan on sorting out and writing about my feelings in more detail in the future, but for now I just want to say, I started to finally sleep very well.  It was going on a month with very little sleep, and what l needed to heal was to sleep better. In the hospital, my insomnia just continued to get worse because there was a lot of loud noises at night, and they checked on you every 15 min/24 hrs to make sure you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else.  So back to last night, I was very tired from little sleep the night before.  I could barely keep my eyes open, and I decided not to take any Melatonin, or sleep aid from Costco, or 1/2 Xanax....My brain started waking up, and I felt really rested, and in my head, I was like finally I slept well. Thinking it felt like 5 or 6 AM, I peaked over on the lit up clock, and it said 1:30 AM, I was so defeated. And I honestly am not sure why I started sleeping so much better gradually after I got home from the hospital, cut to a couple of weeks ago, I started waking up again during witching hour, completely sober?! Around the end of February/ Early March, I was feeling so much better from sleeping better.  In fact, I recall driving around and thinking, I feel like almost TOO good lately.  Then I'd say around mid March, is when I started to think about planning some family trips because March marks the time of year you start thinking about summer plans.  Except, if you have anxiety about everything, then maybe you might too have not done much during the world wide pandemic and beyond.  Everyone has their own comfort level of exposure, and mine was very low on the scale.  That will also be a future topic I want to write about because it caused myself and my family so many issues. Well, so as I'm writing this, I woke up at 1 AM, sat there for an hour trying to get back to sleep, but once my brain wakes up, and I start mentally writing my next post, it just makes the insomnia worse?!  

So instead of writing this under the blankets on my phone, I decided to grab my laptop and hash it out there in our family room.  It's actually a lot easier to write! So that is my very long, very rambling preface to this 3 part post.  Even though, the Reddit page mostly gave me negative feedback, they did make me realize that the stuff I FEEL the need to discuss is not something I should be sharing so openly on Facebook. And this is why I decided to take the discussion to my old blog that I used to write on often when our kids were much younger.  I think this will be good because if my friends and family are curious they can decide to read it, and it won't be so in your face on a more public forem like Facebook.

The following 3 posts I did share on Facebook over the last week during the kids Spring Break to Saint George.  It was the 2nd vacation I planned for our family since the shut down March 2020.  Last Summer, I planned a short family vacation to Bear Lake, and it was very fun, but we spent all our time just the 4 of us, and ALL outside camping and doing water activities.  This time, since I was more comfortable traveling after all 4 of us have got Covid now, we spent time inside with extended family and friends.  And my friend Angie doesn't know this yet, but the dinner we went to with her family and our friend Kendra, was THE FIRST time I have sat down in a restaurant since March 2020?! 

Anyway, if nothing else good came out of my very expensive mental hospital stay, I did find an excellent therapist for my family, and I am anxiously awaiting my appointment with her this Thursday, and my appointment this Friday with my primary Doctor to discuss why I am having insomnia again?! 

Date Posted on Facebook Wednesday April 5th, 2023 between 2-4 AM

(posted on Facebook to Friends/Family when I was struggling with Insomnia)

Dear Friends & Family,

This is going to be a first for me. It’s going to be a very personal and long post here, but I think I’m ready for it, and hopefully it will be helpful for me and maybe someone else. Some of you may or may not know this, but early this year on January 8th I was having a mental health crisis. It started shortly after I had Covid for the first time which was December 2nd, 2022. I couldn’t sleep well at all. Whenever I started to drift off, my body would jump and wake myself. This went on for at least 3 weeks. If I got any sleep at all, it wasn’t more than an hour or 2 and it was not a deep sleep. I learned in my psychology classes in College that not sleeping can make you go insane. Well, it happened to me. Over Christmas break, I got very depressed. I wasn’t eating much, or staying hydrated. I started having delusions. I didn’t have any emotions including no anxiety, which I deal with often. I didn’t want to do anything but stay in bed and stare at the wall. I didn’t leave our house for about 3 weeks. I had suicidal ideations, no plans or anything, but I thought about it a lot. My kids thought I looked like an empty shell of a person and it scared them, and my husband too. My husband asked his brother who is a doctor and his coworker/friend who has a wife who is also a doctor for advice. Around New Years he had called an organization for help. Two people came to our home to talk to me and encourage me to get help. I was angry about it and didn’t want any help, I was not myself. It continued to get worse by the day, and finally my husband gave me a choice. He said, I can either call and have the police and ambulance people come and get you, or you can go willingly to the ER with me. I eventually chose the ER. Sunday January 8th, we went to the Timpanogos Hospital in Orem, Utah. This hospital has good and bad memories for me. The bad memory was from when my husband nearly died and spent a week there in 2006. The good memories are from when our two beautiful babies were born there in 12/07 and 11/09.

Anyway, this date 1/8/2023 was and always will be a bad memory for me. Although, I suppose it could be a good memory in a way because I have a loving husband that wanted me to get better. Well, I thought they would talk to me and point me in a direction for help. What I was not expecting was the doctors were so concerned about my mental health, they decided to send me to a mental hospital. I could not leave the ER until they found a bed for me. Sometimes this can takes hours, sometimes days. I actually was lucky because they found a bed for me within a few hours.  In the hours I waited, I had to be watched by a tech. I also was in a small room where I could hear everything going on in the other 3 rooms. It was quite sad and scary. One room was a young man with his family. I believe he was a teenager, maybe a little older than our son. He was there for drinking a lot of alcohol. They had him on IV fluids to flush the alcohol out. The poor young man was quite drunk. I sure hope they found him some good help. The other disturbing patient was wheeled into the room next to mine. He had also drank a lot, and the moment the doctor came in, the man vomited blood all over the room. The staff was not sure how to clean it up. They said it looked like a murder scene. They had to wheel him to another room because of the mess.  I have a very week stomach when it comes to vomit and blood, so I’m glad I wasn’t in a position to see the room. Although just hearing it and seeing blood in the hall, I wanted out of there ASAP!! I actually saw a bit of the room when they got me on the gurney to wheel me to the ambulance. It is so sad what too much alcohol can do to a body and to families. 

The only way I could get to the next hospital in Payson was by ambulance. Most of you probably know that most insurance companies don’t pay for them, and also their bills are super expensive. Well let’s just say our bill would have paid for my family of 4 to fly one way to Costa Rica.  

Finally, around 11 pm my ambulance ride arrived. And they got me there shortly before midnight. Mind you by this time I had gone nearly a month without any sleep. They checked me in and since my pants had a drawstring I was not allowed to wear them. I still had my paper clothes on from the ER. Then they showed me my room. I was by the very drafty cold window. The beds are not comfortable at all! And someone comes into your room every 15 minutes, for 24 hours a day. So as you can guess, I remained sleep deprived the entire 5 nights I was there. They would not let me go home until I got an appointment with my primary physician and an appointment with a therapist. On Monday, I was so out of it and depressed still, I spent the entire day in my bed. The next day the tech really encouraged me to attend the group meetings, since it is also the way the doctors and other staff decide if you are safe to go home. 

So starting Tuesday, I spent all my time in the day room and attended all the meetings. Since they take your phone away and only have limited access to their phone, I asked my husband to help me get those two appointments. I seriously felt like they would never let me out. Every day felt like a week, but finally they told me I could go home on Friday January 13th. I was still not sleeping or feeling better, but I was glad to be home. It took me about another month or so to start feeling better. I believe that is because I finally was able to start sleeping through the night again. 

Fast forward to a week or two ago, I am starting to have insomnia again. This whole vacation in Saint George, I’ve not been sleeping well at all. I am at a beautiful resort tonight with good beds, and I woke up at 2 AM and decided to share my issue here in the hopes to get some help. I plan to make an appointment with my Doctor first thing when we get home. I do know that I don’t want to take any strong medication like Ambien. I have tried melatonin and occasionally I’ll take a half Xanax which generally helps, but not tonight for some reason?! But I want to find help soon because I don’t want to end up having another episode like before.

Posted Day after original post (4/6/23)

Well, we made it home safely, thankfully. We saw some snow storms off in the distance by the mountains, but the roads were clear! I'm really glad we stayed an extra day because the previous day sounded bad for traveling. I just want to say a heartfelt thank you to anyone that took the time to read my very long post this morning. I wrote it at 4 AM in the morning after waking up at 2 AM and laying in bed for 2 hours trying to get back to sleep. I actually did fall asleep after I posted at 4:30-ish AM, and slept another 2 hours or so. When I woke up, I had a lot of friends/family reach out on my post, and privately, and it really means so much to me, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I find writing my feelings out to be very cathartic. Since I returned home from the hospital early January, I did NOT feel comfortable talking about it to anyone. I talked a little to my husband, and kids, but I could not shake the feeling of shame and embarrassment. I went from having absolutely NO emotions then, to being a bundle of nerves and crying for no reason now. Needless to say, I have a lot of things to sort out with my therapist. Thank goodness I have an appointment tomorrow morning because my head is spinning, and I just need to get my feelings sorted out. I am thinking I would like to do a part 2 post in the near future about my experience at the hospital that I was at. I just need to give it some time and thought, and hopefully write it during waking hours, and not during the AM hours when I should be sleeping. Now that I'm home, hopefully my mind can relax some more, and I can sleep better now. I wish everyone well, and thanks again for the kind comments and understanding. Mental health really needs to be destigmatized, because too many out there suffer in silence. The first step of doing that is sharing your experience with others, so if they are also struggling, they won't feel so alone.

Posted next day (4/7/23)

My head has been spinning since I posted about my hospital stay on Facebook. Sooo many people reached out, and I’m so grateful for it. I have been very lonely for a long time, and our trip to Saint George visiting old friends and family just highlighted that! My parents moved to New Hampshire for a job when I was 3. All our family lived in Utah and Idaho. People in our ward (church congregation) became like family to us. Then in 1992 my dad got a job offer at Word Perfect during my Junior year in High School. He moved to Utah to start working, while the rest of the family stayed behind to sell our house. It took 6 months to sell. So mid Junior year (January 1993), the rest of my family moved to Orem Utah. I left behind the only home I knew, and all my friends during an age that was so important to that transition time from childhood to adulthood. Now, if you know me IRL, then you know I’m on the quieter side of things. I’m a bit shy, but if I get to know you and feel comfortable with you, I can talk your ear off. That being said I had a very difficult time making new friends in Utah. The rest of Junior year I basically had no one. I sat in the hallway and ate lunch all alone and worked on drawing so it looked like I was busy doing something. It was a painful year. Senior year, I thankfully made a few friends, who I am actually still friends with, and thankful for. Two of them have since moved from Utah, and one still here who I reconnected with on Facebook, and should meet up with soon! You probably know who you are

Anyway, all that to say between most my friends (one’s close enough to say hey let’s go do something fun) not being local, they are spread all over the country now & the mental toll the pandemic did to me, I’ve realized part of my issue is I’m very lonely. Yes, I have my immediate family, and I’m grateful for them, and love them dearly, but people need connection beyond that. And now I’m realizing it. I also realized recently that our oldest child only has 3 years left before he’s an adult?! Have you seen that old ad from the Idaho tourism council where they point out you only have 18 summers with your kids, so you better make the most of it? Well, I can't stop thinking about that ad. We only have 3 more years to make memories with our kids (as a family of 4). Yes, we will still see them as adults, but once they fly the coop, there is no guarantee how much we will. So that is a big reason I decided to start living life again, and deal with my anxiety about leaving the comfort of my home, and make lasting memories for our family. However, doing this has almost put me in a manic state. And I’m having a hard time just turning my brain off, and it’s been driving my family crazy because I can’t stop talking. So I’ve decided the next best thing is to write it out. I tend to be able to express my feelings and thoughts much better by writing it out anyway. I find it cathartic. I probably already said that. I do tend to repeat myself So sorry in advance, I will be sharing stuff like this more often…if it’s something you aren’t interested in hearing, I won’t be offended if you unfollow me. Although don’t unfriend me, that’s just not a nice thing to do.

Here is a picture of me in front of my first apartment. After my first year of college, I wanted a change of scenery. My Uncle Brian co-owned an advertising agency in Saint George, so I got a summer job at his company. Before moving there, my mom and I went down to Saint George to find me housing. We found an apartment, it's the one I'm standing in front of in the picture, but it was called "The Wedge" back then. It sounds so much like Wedgie, we couldn't stop laughing about it! Anyway, I was assigned to an apartment with 5 other girls, 3 bedrooms, 2 per room. They were complete strangers to me, and honestly I don't remember much about them because I was only there maybe a few nights. When I started work, I met the young woman working the front desk. She was complete opposite of me, very outgoing and not afraid to say anything! She asked me where I was staying and I told her, and by some strange wild coincidence, she also lived at The Wedge?! And she just so happened to have an apartment where they paid slightly more for private rooms, so 3 girls, each their own room. One of her roommates just so happened to be moving out, so she asked if I wanted to take over the room? Um, YES!!! Private room, for not much more money, and live with someone that I can get to know better? It was the best thing that happened, because even though it wasn't the easiest thing to live and work with someone...yes we had our drama, but even though I was only there for a short few months, we have remained in touch over the years. Another crazy coincidence is we ended up having two kids around the same ages too. It was so fun to meet up with her and her family, and reconnect again. My kids enjoyed being around Angie so much because she is just a positive upbeat fun kind of person. I remember when living with her my face hurt from laughing so much!! Anyway, I think I will end this long rambling post now. Thank you Angie for a fun time, and I can't wait to meet up again!